Quick Summary
The work of The Gottmans and their institute is well known at this point. Their research on couples and families is unmatched and from that wealth of material comes books such as The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work – the gold standard of marriage books. One day I’ll get around to giving that one a review.
The Love Prescription is a bite-sized version of their work. You’re only 150 pages and 8 small chapters away from giving your marriage a boost. If you’ve read their other works you’ll be familiar with much of the content. However, the Gottmans always have a way of weaving in new bits of research, analysis, and wit in a way that keeps me interested.
The premise of the Love Prescription is this:
“There will be no grand gestures or hard conversations. There’s nothing to buy or do to prepare. Anybody can do this, from any starting point. There is a formula for a good relationship, and this book will show you how a few small changes can fundamentally transform your relationship for the better.”
Each chapter is tightly woven together with a simple challenge at its conclusion. If you’re looking for a simple on-ramp towards working on your relationship, this is a good place to start.
Favorite Quotes
“A relationship is….a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime. / Geologists have found that over time, rivers can even sculpt new valleys this way – all because of one tiny change.”
“We know from the lab that the best relationships aren’t built on partners mostly telling each other what’s wrong. They’re built on partners mostly telling each other what’s right.”
“Most conflict….is about dreams, values, meaning, history, even multigenerational history. That’s why love maps matter. That’s why questions matter.”
“Often, when you start exploring, you find not only the information you were seeking, but something unexpected as well. The love map becomes a treasure map.”
“Couples who were unhappily married missed 50 percent of the positive things the other partner did. It wasn’t that the happy couples were doing more sweet or helpful things….they were simply better at noticing their partner doing them.”
“Actively admiring the other person, appreciating them not just for what they do but who they are, is like air in a life raft. You float above the waters, even when they get rough.”
“Studies find that partners who heard their partner’s contempt for them were significantly more likely to catch colds, flus, and other infectious illnesses in the coming year.”
“The point is touch for the sake of touch. Physical intimacy does not need to lead to sex for it to be worthwhile. One of the best things you can do is to erase the expectations that it will, or should. Touch is its own whole nutrient that both of your bodies need.”
“Men who kiss their wives goodbye in the morning live five years longer than men who don’t.” (pg. 119 if you’re skeptical!)
“Husbands and wives are alone together in the same room only 10 percent of the time…..the average amount of time that couples spent in conversation with each other was a mere 35 minutes per week.”
Big Takeaways
Each time I read something produced by the Gottman Institute, I walk away feeling energized and refreshed in my marriage. Their work is research-based and life-giving. They show you how simple it can be without berating you for not doing it right already. Most importantly, I love that they don’t give a checklist version of what makes a marriage work. Yes, they have “principles.” But those are expressed in a thousand tiny daily moments. It’s the culture you cultivate that makes the marriage work, not a boring or overwhelming list of to-dos.
You’ll walk away feeling encouraged after this one. Give it a read. Better yet, read it together with your spouse and try out the simple exercises.
Made Well Marriage 