Let me spoil the plot for you: I would NOT recommend this book
Not for a couple needing help, looking to enhance their relationship, or for a single individual preparing for marriage.
Love & Respect came onto my radar a few years ago and I’ve been looking forward to seeing what it was all about. I’ve had acquaintances and clients over the years reference the material, and I’ve even heard of churches using Love & Respect (and related materials) as an ongoing marriage curriculum.
Not only was I left wanting more; I was shocked at many of the statements within this book. It is my opinion that the underlying beliefs and principles of this book are toxic and harmful. Whatever good there might be (and there is *some*), it’s nothing you can’t find from a better resource.
Quick Summary
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs bases the entirety of this book on a principle he “discovered” in Ephesians 5:33.
Each one of you (husbands) must also love his wife, and the wife must respect her husband.
He suggests that within this verse is wisdom that applies to all marriages: that husbands primarily need respect, and wives primarily need love. If couples would learn to love one another in this way, Eggerichs suggests that many marriages would be quickly transformed.
Everything in this book flows from that “revelation” by Eggerichs. He says that couples have “cycles.” A couple that is struggling is in “The Crazy Cycle.” They need to progress to “The Energizing Cycle” that is “proactive and preventative” (pg. 117). He uses a few handy acronyms (which I won’t get into here) to help husbands and wives remember what their directives are in the Energizing Cycle, again, all based from Ephesians 5:33 (and Eggerichs interpretation of that passage). Lastly, he uses the “Rewarded Cycle” to explain how husbands and wives can love and respect unconditionally, even if their spouse isn’t fulfilling their end of the deal.
Doesn’t sound too bad, right? Let’s talk about some issues with this book.
Problems…and More Problems
- It’s Oversimplified.
- We long for simple answers to our problems, and relationships are fraught with difficulties. How amazing would it be if all marriages, for all time, could be solved by the simple “love and respect” formula? Unfortunately, people and relationships are not that simple. If your marriage doesn’t reflect the teachings of this book, I guess you’re out of luck.
- This blogger said it best: “When this “biblical formula” does not solve their marital problems, they will either conclude that God got it wrong…..or they will conclude that they must be doing it wrong and they must try harder or be more patient.”
- Men, You’re Off the Hook!
- There are many places in this book where Dr. Emerson Eggerichs gives men no accountability whatsoever. One example is on page 72: “[to wives]…I’m trying to help them, because I know how pivotal the wife’s respect can be in slowing down the Crazy Cycle. Yes, many men are unloving clods to one degree or another, but they can change. In fact, many of them want to change, and the best way to get them to change is treating them with unconditional respect.”
- Implicitly, wives are to blame when their husbands aren’t changing their behavior. I guess you just didn’t show him enough respect! Meanwhile, husbands just get to act like “unloving clods” and it’s not their fault.
- One of the more troubling pages was 220. Eggerichs cherry-picked verses from other out-of-context scripture to make his point that women should be quiet and gentle, and that ought to be enough to motivate their husbands. He suggests that if wives will have the “right kind of quietness – not dignified not pouty and sour – he will move toward you.” What?!?! Dr. Eggerichs uses scripture as a guarantee in fixing your marriage, saying your “respectful behavior will win him” (1 Peter 3:1-2). Tell that to women who have been abused.
- Deeply Complimentarian
- On page 194 he defines the Hebrew word that describes Eve’s creation in Genesis 2:18. The KJV translates it as “helpmeet.” More modern translations translate it as “helper suitable for him.” Without getting into the weeds, the implication of Genesis 2 is that Eve was his equal companion in ruling over creation. I’m absolutely open to being corrected, but my understanding of studying and teaching over the years is that Eve was Adam’s equal companion, his equivalent. There is nothing in the Hebrew text suggesting that she was somehow made inferior to him, here solely to serve Adam’s needs as Eggerichs suggest on this page.
- Dr. Eggerichs discusses the “biblical hierarchy” of marriage again on page 206. I don’t have all the answers to every single biblical text, but I’m confident that we should run from teachings that suggest we should have a hierarchy in our marriages. In fact, I am convicted that Paul was urging husbands and wives to move AWAY from hierarchy in marriages, as he wrote to a culture where women were under the thumb of men already.
- He essentially concedes abuse on page 207. “Will a man take advantage of being head of the family by putting down and even abusing his wife and children? Yes…this is possible…..If a husband is evil-willed, the abuse will happen anyway, no matter what the family structure is.” There is no acknowledgement that his own views open the door to husbands spiritually abusing their wives, and wives having no recourse of action to do anything about it except to use their quiet, submissive respect and hope that’s enough. Whew!
- I’ve noticed that people who push for a strong complimentarian viewpoint are deeply concerned with who has “authority” in the home (see pg. 216). Know what’s interesting? Ephesians 5 NEVER uses the word authority. If anything, JESUS is used as the authority for both men and women by Paul in Ephesians 5.
- Again on authority, (a word not mentioned in Ephesians 5): “What your husband wants is your acknowledgement that he is the leader, the one in authority.” (Pg. 221).
- Assumptions of Gender Norms
- The assumptions of gender roles and norms abound. For example, “women naturally love” (pg. 36) and “love is not a husband’s mother tongue” (pg. 117). He is suggesting that Ephesians 5:33 commands husbands and wives to respond in the way that is less natural for them. Maybe there is a grain of truth that men respond better to respect that love, but to say that all men of all time are wired this way is wrong. Ditto for women.
- In discussing husbands learning to love and relate to their wives, he says the following: “I am not asking men to become women who sit at tiny tables at cappuccino shops and sip coffee as they share life face to face. You are a man and your wife loves you for being a man, not a woman.” (pg. 129)
- Or the following: “Wives do not need a lot of coaching on being loving. It is something God built into them, and they do it naturally. However, they do need help with respect.” (pg. 183).
- He calls wives to respect their husbands need to work and and achieve (chapter 16), making it sound like wives are simply around to housekeep. He ignores the fact that one chapter earlier, man AND woman were called by God to “subdue” and “rule” over the earth (Genesis 1:28), as well as other directives to women to be industrious, such as the one portrayed in the infamous “Proverbs 31 Woman” passage.
- “A man always feels the call to the field, while the natural instinct of a woman is the call to the family” (pg. 200). Again, lots of overgeneralizations.
- The problem with so many assumptions is that if your personality, economic situation, or natural disposition doesn’t line up with his 1950s style marital teachings, you walk away feeling like something is deeply flawed within you.
- Misuse of Scripture
- Beyond abusing Ephesians 5 to fit his idea of love and respect, Eggerichs selectively picks other passages in the Bible to make whatever point he needs. For example, on page 217 he grabs a verse from another book of the Bible that is unrelated to marriage to make his point. He does the same on page 220. I won’t get into the specifics, but I wanted to highlight how convenient it is to weave together various unrelated scriptures to create the narrative he needs.
- “God told me…”
- Emerson repeatedly appeals to an almost divine revelation for the book’s premise. One such example appears on page 74 when he says “God gave him” the answer of who should make the first move when in a gridlock. (the “more mature” person, in case you were wondering).
- While I didn’t always disagree with his God given “revelations,” it’s dangerous for an author to appeal to that type of authority. It essentially puts Eggerichs on the same playing field as God; and if you disagree with Eggerichs, you’re disagreeing with God.
- Cranky Husband? Just Have More Sex With Him!
- He gives an illustration of a woman who decided to “minister to her husband sexually, not because she particularly wanted to, but because she wanted to do it as unto Jesus Christ” (pg. 249). What did I just read?!
- “He needs sexual release just as you need emotional release (intimacy)” (pg.251). I take major issue with this approach to sexual intimacy between a couple. A man’s orgasm/ejaculation is not a NEED like eating, drinking water, or breathing. Your husband is going to be ok if he doesn’t have sex on demand. This idea of a a husband having this “need” puts enormous pressure on wives and distorts what should be a mutual decision to enjoy one another sexually; Not something you just do so your husband can let off some steam. Maybe your husband needs a hobby.
- Worse still, Eggerichs implicitly blames wives for their husbands affairs. “A man who strays is usually given total blame for his affair, but in many cases he is the victim of temptation that his wife helped bring upon him” (pg. 253). Your husband cheated on you? It’s probably your fault for not having enough sex with him. This is a harmful and incomplete take on why affairs happen.
- Lastly, there is nothing in this book about female pleasure during sexual intimacy and no directives towards the husbands. Wives are presented as vessels just here to fulfill their husband’s “needs” and make sure he gets his “release.”
- Not well written.
- While this is certainly nitpicking, the book was not pleasant to read. The chapters didn’t seem to flow from one to the next and the content of each chapter seemed very disjoined from section to section.
Is It All Bad?
Is there any value at all in this book? Certainly. I like the idea of a couple being able to recognize when they enter their “crazy cycle.” It’s good to know when that is beginning so that we can take a breather and continue the conversation later. I also thought the practical bullet points at the end of chapters 9 through 21 were helpful and provided guide posts for husbands and wives. I also want to acknowledge that many couples have apparently been helped by this material, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them.
That being said, this book has the potential to do more harm than good. I believe it highlights and prioritizes men and their needs over their wives and abuses scripture to teach unhelpful roles and assumptions about men and women.
Worse, Love & Respect opens the door for wives to be the victims of spiritual abuse. I’ve personally sat with women whose husbands have abused Ephesians 5 to exert their “authority” over the household. It can and does happen, and teachings like this give women little recourse to act.
I find it funny that multiple times during the book, Dr. Eggerichs tells on himself, such as on page 75: “I can tell [wives] suspect I am a chauvinist in sheep’s clothing trying to set them up for a life of subservience.” Or on page 205, where he says he “can’t blame women” for pushing back, as the bible has been misused over the centuries (Does he not hear himself?!).
No matter the good that may have come from this book, I believe it is best used as kindling for your next fire.
Made Well Marriage 
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