Help! My Spouse Has Been Watching Porn!

“He lied to me for years…how can I trust him again?”

“Was I not enough for them?”

“How could he do this to our family?”

“I feel like he cheated on me…I feel so violated.”

This topic has becoming increasingly common in my practice as a counselor. Pornography usage is so prevalent that I unfairly assume it’s on the minds of many couples that I see. In one study, 60% of lawyers reported that internet porn played a significant role in divorces, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases.

Note – Although women also view pornography more than expected, every study I’ve seen overwhelmingly reports that men view it at much higher rates. In this article, my language will reflect that gender difference. Most or all of what I’ll suggest is applicable to both genders.

Is Porn Really That Bad?

I realize that people’s values around this topic vary wildly, whether your beliefs are faith-based or not. But it’s a question worth asking: How bad is it…really?”

I’ve written on this topic before and I’d encourage you to check them out. Part I, Part II, and Part III can be found here. I don’t want to regurgitate it all here, but I’ll share a few staggering findings from fightthenewdrug.org and covenanteyes.com:

• Today, porn sites receive more website traffic in the U.S. than Twitter, Instagram, Netflix, Pinterest, and LinkedIn COMBINED.
• 1 in 5 mobile searches are for pornography.
• A 2014 study found that compulsive pornography users “had greater impairments of sexual arousal and erectile difficulties in intimate relationships but not with sexually explicit materials.”
• Pornography use increases the marital infidelity rate by more than 300% (webroot.com)
• A 2010 study reported that 47% of families in the United States reported that pornography is a problem in their home (webroot.com)

Any article on the statistics of pornography are jaw-dropping. Children are exposed way too early, it’s much too prevalent, and it’s often violent. It’s accessible, affordable, and anonymous. It affects marriages and families. It changes your brain chemistry, becoming an addiction that is difficult to break.

For a long time, it seemed that the only people who spoke up about the “evils of pornography” were Christians. Lately though, it appears that even secular or non-faith based organizations are realizing the harm it causes. Fightthewnewdrug.org is one great example and I’d encourage you to check them out.

The Gottman Institute recently had John and Julie Gottman write “An Open Letter on Porn.” I’ll share a few notable takeaways:

Research on the effects of pornography use, especially one person frequently viewing pornographic images online, shows that pornography can hurt a couple’s relationship. The effect may be true, in part, because pornography can be a “supernormal stimulus”.…a stimulus that evokes a much larger response than one that has evolutionary significance. One effect of a supernormal stimulus is that interest wanes in normal stimuli. With pornography use, much more of a normal stimulus may eventually be needed to achieve the response a supernormal stimulus evokes. In contrast, ordinary levels of the stimulus are no longer interesting. This may be how normal sex becomes much less interesting for porn users. The data supports this conclusion. In fact, use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction.

To put it simply, porn use rewires your brain to the point that you can no longer get turned on by a real, live, flesh-and-blood person. Your normal God-given bodily responses have been hijacked and abused by the “supernormal stimulus” of porn that the real thing doesn’t do it for you anymore.

Terrifying…isn’t it?

In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.

It’s no longer just people of faith banging the drum about how bad pornography can be.

For the Offended: What Do I Do?

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you’re hurt, angry and scared. Your image of them was shattered in an instant, and now you’re not sure what you can trust. I’d like to offer a brief roadmap with a few suggestions for the hurting spouse:

Take a Deep Breath. You didn’t cause this, and you can’t cure it. I’m almost certain this issue isn’t because of you or about you, as hard as that may be to believe in the early stages.

Listen With Compassion….When You’re Ready. Your spouse will be desperate to explain themselves and seek out your forgiveness. Do so only when you’re in the right headspace.

Take Care of Yourself. This is probably a stressful time for you. Do whatever is neccessary to take care of your body, mind, heart, and soul in the days/weeks to follow. You might even confide in a trusted friend, but only someone who is a friend of the marriage and not someone who tears your spouse down.

Accept Their Imperfection. Perhaps you had him on too high of a pedestal, or were convinced that he was different than other men who have struggled. Begin to accept the truth that he also is a fallible human being.

Be Honest and Set Clear Boundaries. Be honest about how it has hurt or affected you. Maybe you need a day or two away. Perhaps you need the bed to yourself for a few nights. Or accountability software downloaded on his computer. Communicate clearly what you need to heal.

Educate Yourself. Educate yourself on the “why” of pornography and the nature of addiction. Listen and learn about what led him to fall into the trap. This will help you see him with compassion and empathy.

Kindness, Grace, and Patience. Remember that no one is defined by their worst moments, and the truth is that we’ve all made pretty big mistakes at some point. One day you’ll need a boatload of grace, so work on giving it to someone who needs it.

More great advice can be found here: 10 Ways to Help Your Husband Leave Porn Behind & here: whenIamweak.org

For the Offender: What Steps Should I Take?

If your secret has been found out, you probably feel ashamed, sorrowful, and terrified. You know you’ve hurt them terribly and have lost all their trust. I’d like to offer a brief roadmap with a few suggestions for the “offender”:

Take a Deep Breath. The next few days or weeks will probably be really uncomfortable. You may be asked to do things you don’t want to do, such as turning over your phone or finding accountability. Take a deep breath and realize that if you submit to this process, one day things will be better.

Evaluate Why You’ve Watched Porn. Now is the perfect time to do some soul-searching about what led you down this path. It’s possible that it was simply an appealing past-time that eventually turned into an addiction. I’ve also seen men use porn as their only coping skill for stress. Worse still, some experience various forms of sexual abuse in childhood that prime them for this addiction.

Disclose Everything. No more secrets. Disclosure is always better than discovery. Websites, habits, devices, etc. Be willing to answer any questions.

Commit to Radical Honesty Moving Forward. Secrets is part of how you got here. No more.

Talk to a Trusted Person. Find a counselor, a friend, or confidante who is willing to be honest with you. We don’t need “yes men”; We need people who will hold us accountable.

Set Up Boundaries. I’ve had men tell me changing to a “dumb phone” was the best and most feeing decision they ever made. One turned off wifi to his residence. Accountability software is pretty common and easy to use. Get rid of some devices. Find the right boundaries and put them into place.

Start Educating Yourself. Explore the addictive nature of pornography, the myths that it perpetrates, and how it affects your brain chemistry. Re-envision your own sexuality and beliefs about yourself as a man (or woman). Devour books and articles on the topic as you begin this journey.

Conclusion

Pornography has such a destructive effect on marriages and families. I’ve attempted to offer the first steps in overcoming this issue in a relationship. I don’t have all the answers, and the exact solution will vary based on your situation.

But there is hope!

Couples who work through these difficult stages often experience a renewal in their relationship, and they also become stronger individuals. It’s a fight worth fighting!

Resources:

An Open Letter On Porn – John & Julie Gottman

covenanteyes.com – “Covenant Eyes is a program that runs on your computer and mobile devices monitoring your internet activity and sending accountability reports to people you choose.” They also have a tremendous library of free resources that I would recommend. 

fighthenewdrug.org – “Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects using only science, facts, and personal accounts.”

waitunitl8th.org – “The Wait Until 8th pledge empowers parents to rally together to delay giving children a smartphone until at least 8th grade.”

xxxchurch.com – “…realizes that sex and porn addictions are real problems and people need real help. We use the web, social media and news media to tell a story often left untold.”

wheniamweak.org – “… is all about discussing, preventing and break the chains of pornography addiction.”

Gary Wilson: The Great Porn Experiment – In this TED Talk, “Gary Wilson asks whether our brains evolved to handle the hyperstimulation of today’s Internet enticements.” Gary Wilson is the founder of yourbrainonporn.com.

The Porn Myth by Naomi Wolf. I saved this article a few years ago and continue to find it startlingly relevant.

USAToday: Billie Eilish Speaks About the Harms of Porn

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol.

PROVERBS 5:3-5 ESV