Sex in Church

Let’s talk about sex in church. Wait, let me try that again.

Let’s talk about how we talk about sex in church.

Recently, I was co-teaching a marriage class at our church and we spent two weeks on sex and sexuality in scripture. Since I don’t ever recall a class like this ever happening in my lifetime in any church ever, I was dying to hear what people would say as we opened up with discussion.

What followed was an outpour of frustration, regret, and longing for something better. Here are a few of the comments:

• Of the almost thirty participants, only a few had gotten any “talk” at all from their parents growing up.
• One was given a book. One was given a talk before their wedding day (a little late, eh?). Most had parents who tiptoed around the subject or avoided it completely.
• One expressed their education around sex came from “watching a porno.” I suspect this individual is far less alone in that experience than they ever thought possible.
• Many grew up confused about the mechanics of sex: how it all worked together, what body parts did what, etc. They were left to put the puzzle together alone without the box top.
• There was frustration that churches don’t teach on this subject, and that when they do the approach is often uninspiring.
• There was grief that so many were given faulty messages about sex, sexuality, and their bodies from well-meaning preachers and youth leaders; Messages that sex was dirty, that sexual desire was “less holy” than suppressed desire were almost universally experienced; Implications that young women were responsible for young men’s lustful thoughts. Worse still, the idea that if you had any blemish you were treated like a second rate Christian. (Imagine…being defined by a mistake you made as a teenager!)

We can do better than this…can’t we? Is it possible for our homes and churches to talk about our bodies and the way God made them with honor and respect, rather than shame and blame? What does a path forward look like? I’d like to present a few thoughts that can serve as great starting points for your own discussion and formation of what this could become.

Consider this a vision being cast.

CONVERSATION BEGINS IN THE HOME

Contrary to the title of this entire article, I believe the place all of this begins is in the our homes. Home is the lush, fertile ground in which all of our thoughts and beliefs about the world begin to be formed. Our churches are formed when several little “churches” (families) get together. The onus is on parents/guardians to take initiative in teaching about sex and sexuality in a way that honors God’s intentional design, and reflects how God feels about us.

We have two young children at home, and for us this unfolds in a few ways: We try to be accurate about calling body parts by their names, to not bring too much attention or shame to naked bodies, and we try to point out different ways God made our bodies to work (“Your scrape is developing a scab, just the way God made your body to heal”). We also have a five year old who, with always an inquisitive mind, asked (2 years ago!!!) if “babies come out of mommy’s belly button.” After an awkward glance at each other, we told her where babies do in fact come out of. That satisfied her questions…for now.

Granted, I haven’t taught a teenager about sex yet. I’m sure it can be awkward and uncomfortable…by why? Why are we afraid and scared to talk about how God made us?

Final thoughts: How are we discussing these topics in the home? How do our kids hear us discussing them? If I find that I, as a parent, and uncomfortable…why is that? What inner work do I need to do for myself? What untrue or inaccurate beliefs might I need to resolve? What is my plan for teaching my kids about sex, before everyone else does?

THAT CONVERSATION SHOULD BE SUPPORTED BY AND FOLLOWED UP IN OUR CHURCHES

Churches can be a great place for extended conversations around this topic. It’s vital that we are intentional about the kinds of messages we are sending to our kids, teens, and congregants.

I believe that each individual congregation has God given autonomy to address this how they see fit given their culture and location based on how the Spirit is leading them. This could be done through sermons, regular teachings being offered to all ages, not just teenagers, or by having guest speakers come in who specialize in a certain topic or area. We definitely want to support parents as they raise their children and equip them with resources, ideas, and confidence to do the job.

Remember: If you aren’t teaching your children about sexuality in the home, and if that is not supported by our churches, then someone else is going to teach them for you.

GOD CREATD SEX

Nakedness, sexual desire, orgasms; brain chemicals like serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine; arousal and erections…God created all of these things ages before you ever learned about them.

Sex is one of the first things God blesses in scripture, calling Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28).

At the completion of creation (and by the way, Eve was the last thing/person created), God called it all “very good” (Genesis 1:31)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2:24-25

Ironically, God created sex, and we’re all on this earth because of sex, but nobody actually talks about it. Let’s not ever lose sight of the fact that God created it to be good and holy.

GOD IS NOT ASHAMED OF SEX, SEXUALITY, OR THE BODIES HE MADE

Penises, vaginas, breasts, nipples, scrotums…all of these are designed by God for a purpose. Here’s a fun fact: did you know that the clitoris has 8000+ nerve endings (supposedly more than double those in the penis), and that its primary purpose is for sexual pleasure?

Still not convinced? How do I know God isn’t ashamed of sex? For one, He put verses like this in his book:

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!

Song of Solomon 2:3-6

How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit. Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. It goes down smoothly for my beloved, gliding over lips and teeth. I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.

Song of Solomon 7:6-12

If God is not ashamed of sexuality or of our bodies, we need to do the work so that we aren’t either.

SEXUAL DESIRE IS GOD GIVEN

Is it true that sexual desires have often gotten the best of us when left unchecked? Absolutely. Just take a peek at statistics about pornography or affairs to realize that people have often been led astray by their desires (you could also observe Biblical characters like David & Samson who fell into the same trap). I believe sexual desire is absolutely God given. God creates beautiful things, including human beings. But scripture also supports that there is a God given context for sexual desires to be fulfilled (Prov. 5:15-17).

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine.

Song of Solomon 1:2

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

Song of Songs 4:7

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19

“The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”

C. S. Lewis

The idea that not being attracted to another person somehow makes one holier is a teaching that does not have a scriptural basis.

THE TENSION OF HIGH STANDARDS AND ABUNDANT GRACE

I know of several examples in my church experiences where a young woman got pregnant in high school or before she was married (oddly enough, I can’t remember the young men as they can often escape with little or no consequences). Rarely if ever do I recall the young woman being surrounded with love and support, at least not that was visible. It often felt there was a stigma attached to the event.

It’s like we ignore that these kinds of things have been happening since Genesis.

Listen, I’m all about high standards and I think we need to start there. But we have to find a way forward where we can have high expectations while also offering crazy amounts of grace to people who have let their desires get the best of them. Because truthfully, we all let our desires get the best of us from time to time. It’s called being human.

In scripture God was able to use all kinds of messed up family situations to still accomplish his ultimate will…and God CHOSE to use those people. Why can’t He also work through a young man and woman who went too far? If God can give grace to a person like David and Jacob/Israel in scripture and work with and through them, why not still today?

What Can We Do?

Let’s not use fear based tactics. Let’s avoid purity culture based sexual teaching that commodifies and exalts virginity above all else; Let’s hold both young men and women accountable for their actions and thought life. Let’s avoid toxic teachings about sexuality. Let’s uphold high standards of sexual morality without shaming people who’ve made mistakes. Let’s utilize good resources in and outside the church and equip our families to have these discussions. Let’s be intentional about teaching our children and families a better way.

Will we do it perfectly? No.

Can we try to improve upon what we were taught? We must.

For Further Reading:

Purity Culture Pt. 1

Purity Culture Pt. 2

Book: The Great Sex Rescue

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