Let’s Talk About Porn: Killer of Love, Thief of Desire (Part 3: The Path to Hope + Resources)

I would encourage you to read part one and part two before reading further.

In part one, we saw some bewildering statistics about pornography and explored why it’s so prevalent and dangerous: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. In part two we explored the effects of pornography on your and your brain. Today we’re going to explore how it impacts intimacy in your marriage.

Most importantly, we’re going to end sharing hope for those who struggle.

Killer of Love, Thief of Intimacy: Porn’s Effect on Marriage

As I’ve written these articles, I realize that what I’m advocating is not mainstream or popular. Porn is usually treated as a non-issue or a minor issue at best. Most non-religious sources might even encourage it to help “spice things up in the bedroom” if things are becoming dull or boring.

My belief about pornography use in marriage is that you’re ultimately inviting someone else into your bedroom. Let’s talk about some ways it can and will impact your marriage.

Your Performance. A 2014 study found that compulsive pornography users “had greater impairments of sexual arousal and erectile difficulties in intimate relationships but not with sexually explicit materials” (study referenced in part one). Watching pornography performers does not help your performance.

Your Desire. Each time you are view porn, you’re training your brain to desire the curated and unrealistically perfect experience that porn provides. Repeated porn use creates men who cannot be turned on by their flesh and blood naked partners who want to have sex with them. They are so accustomed to the effortless high of porn that the real thing just doesn’t do it anymore.

Your Expectations. Perfect lighting. Smooth, hairless bodies. Crazy sex positions. No mess to clean up. Music to set the mood. Perfect sexual response every time. If you’ve had real sex in a real marriage…these things will make you chuckle. And yet scores of young men and women grow up thinking this is how sex should be, and if you view porn you might find yourself with these same unrealistic expectations of your spouse.

If you don’t believe how porn use sets you up for unrealistic expectations from an early age…read this terrifying article: sex before kissing: how 15 year old girls are dealing with porn obsessed boys.

Remember: porn is fake.

Your Satisfaction. Ultimately, all of the aforementioned leads you feeling empty and unsatisfied in your sexual relationship with your spouse.

Your Bond. As we saw in part two, brain chemicals play a significant role in bonding two people together. When we invite others into our marriage through pornography, we are weakening the bond that we could be creating with them and instead bonding with an anonymous on-screen performer.

The Slippery Slope of Porn. Are there couples out there that use pornography in moderation and would claim it hasn’t harmed them? Of course. But there are some doors that are best left closed, and I believe this is one of them. Who’s not to say that, at the very least, it’s had an impact on your bond or desire for one another? Who’s to say that one of you might eventually develop a reliance or addiction to pornography?

Again, I don’t like using scare tactics to persuade, but you can find hordes of stories where occasional porn use has led to more intense porn use, which lead to fantasizing about meeting other people, or other sexually risky behavior. This stuff actually happens.

But what if we never opened that door in the first place? What if we safeguarded ourselves?

Porn Use and Divorce. Statistics from part one showed that porn use increases the infidelity rate by 300% and that over half of divorce cases involve pornography. Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard enough without adding someone like pornography into the mix.

“I have also seen in my clinical experience that pornography damages the sexual performance of the viewers. Pornography viewers tend to have problems with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Having spent so much time in unnatural sexual experiences with paper, celluloid and cyberspace, they seem to find it difficult to have sex with a real human being. Pornography is raising their expectation and demand for types and amounts of sexual experiences; at the same time it is reducing their ability to experience sex.”

Dr. MaryAnne Layden

What Can You Do About It?

This series has probably made things feel very bleak and perhaps hopeless for anyone who is traveling this road. But I believe there is hope! There are more resources available at your disposal than ever before. More and more conversations are starting to happen all around to increase awareness of the problem and reduce shame. I have hope for you.

But hope is not without effort.

If you have struggled with pornography, if it has impacted your marriage, or if you want to further safeguard yourself…let’s talk about what you can do.

First, take it seriously. If the strongest (Samson), wisest (Solomon), and most devoted (David) men in all of scripture were overtaken by sexual temptation, so can you. It is stronger, smarter, and more cunning than you. Never say “I’ll never struggle with this issue.”

Second, talk about it. Discuss your values and beliefs around sex and sexuality with each other. Talk about your own experiences or exposures to pornography. Discuss your feelings about porn and your marriage. Talk about different ways it’s tempting to you or past struggles you may have had. In addition, talk about your sexual needs, desires, and fantasies with one another in order that you can be that object of desire for your spouse.

A word of caution: If this has caused a significant rift in your marriage or the addiction is widespread, it may be helpful to talk to a professional to gain insight and accountability.

Third, set up safeguards. There are many ways to do this, from installing accountability software on your devices, having your spouse check your phone regularly, to not having a smartphone at all. I had a friend message me after my article on “phubbing” to say that he had to go back to a “dumb phone” that didn’t have internet in order to help him overcome a porn addiction.

When it comes to protecting your marital intimacy, no safeguard is too extreme.

Fourth, get help. If you are struggling with this issue, you need some form of accountability (one friend calls this a “battle buddy”). Ideally that accountability partner needs to be someone other than your spouse. Talk to someone to explore where things went wrong, to rid yourself of shame, and to shine light into your darkness.

Fifth, give an abundance of grace. Pornography is extremely addictive, and statistics show that you are not alone if you are fighting this battle. Be gracious with yourself, and be gracious with your spouse. If you are the spouse, you may need your own counseling or confidante as you work through your own hurt, heartache, or feelings of betrayal.

Lastly, prepare for a battle. Nothing worth having comes for free. Whether you’ve struggled for one month or one year, there is a battle ahead. Take courage, grit your teeth, and get ready for what might be the fight of your life. You CAN overcome.

A Final Word:

Sometimes I write on topics like this and doubt begins to creep in. Is this actually helping anyone? Does this even really matter? And then I have an experience like today, where a grown man broke down in my office because he can’t shake how own battle with pornography. He was first exposed around the average age of exposure (13), and his wife has made it clear that she can’t bear this burden forever and has even threatened to leave for periods of time to clear her own mind and give him space.

It does matter.

This is a real battle people all around are fighting.

Writing about pornography has not been fun. Talking about it with people who have struggled isn’t easy. But it’s more important than ever to open these doors of conversation in our homes and families. We need more discussion around what healthy sexuality looks like and we need less shame around these issues.

There is so much more to say. If you’re struggling in this fight, please don’t do it alone; ask for help. Reach out to someone you trust and start talking. Below, I’ve listed a few resources that might help further your own education or journey in this arena. If you’ve read this far, I am honored beyond measure. If you have any feedback you’d like to give, please feel free to reach out.

I hope something you’ve read has been encouraging or helpful. Thanks for reading!

Resources:

covenanteyes.com – “Covenant Eyes is a program that runs on your computer and mobile devices monitoring your internet activity and sending accountability reports to people you choose.” They also have a tremendous library of free resources that I would recommend.

fighthenewdrug.org – “Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects using only science, facts, and personal accounts.”

waitunitl8th.org – “The Wait Until 8th pledge empowers parents to rally together to delay giving children a smartphone until at least 8th grade.”

xxxchurch.com – “…realizes that sex and porn addictions are real problems and people need real help. We use the web, social media and news media to tell a story often left untold.”

wheniamweak.org – “… is all about discussing, preventing and break the chains of pornography addiction.”

Gary Wilson: The Great Porn Experiment – In this TED Talk, “Gary Wilson asks whether our brains evolved to handle the hyperstimulation of today’s Internet enticements.” Gary Wilson is the founder of yourbrainonporn.com.

The Porn Myth by Naomi Wolf. I saved this article a few years ago and continue to find it startlingly relevant.

USAToday: Billie Eilish Speaks About the Harms of Porn

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps follow the path to Sheol.

Proverbs 5:3-5 ESV