Has Purity Culture Affected Your Marriage? Pt. 2

Today we continue our article on sexual purity from last week, which you can find here. If you haven’t read it, check it out before continuing; it will make much more sense that way.

If I’m being honest, this article presents a harder challenge than part 1. It’s easy to “deconstruct” or point out all the flaws in something. Most of us are pretty good at that, myself included. But how do you build it back up? How do you redeem something that has gone so wrong? This is a crucial step and I will try to at least break some ground by beginning a conversation.

Four Problems With Purity Culture

Problem #1: Legalistic rules can lead to rebellion.

There is something deeply broken within the heart of every human, because we all have a rebellious streak when you dig down deep enough. No one I’ve ever met loves to be told what to do (rudely, harshly, or outside of a relationship). This goes back to the first 3 pages of your Bible. Adam and Eve were presented with a choice of who would be their “god” – Yahweh or their own will? And it didn’t take too long (per number of pages) for them to go awry in their choice and rebel against their creator.

There’s a saying that I use with parents all the time: “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” There is a second part of that saying that applies in this context: “Truth without relationships leads to rejection.” Asking a teenager or young adult to dress in a certain way for an event (like a youth group gathering for example) might be “true” – but the way in which that message gets delivered and who delivers that message can make all the difference.

It’s not uncommon for a teenager to bristle when presented with a set of rules. In fact, the harder you press, the more they double down (we’ve all been there). Part of the rebellion against rules is that one is likely to get “as close as possible” to the point of no return. You can’t teach sexuality to teens without someone asking “how far is too far?”

How far IS too far? Anybody got a good answer for that?

This mindset is what leads teenagers and college students, who desire to be Godly and pure, to engage in every sexual act possible other than intercourse. Oral sex, showering naked together, heavy petting, sex with your clothes on…..”but we never had sex” they might say.

Do you see how twisted this is starting to seem?

When we present sexual purity as a list of rules to follow, don’t be surprised if any of the above happens.

Problem #2: God given desires are to be squelched, and our God created bodies are sources of shame.

I literally had a discussion with a young women yesterday who is struggling to navigate purity in her own life while figuring out what to do with her desire for love, marriage, and a family. God made us to desire the other, to feel butterflies, to be attracted to one another. Why do you think Adam said “At last!” when he first saw Eve (Gen. 2:23)? God crafted woman for man, and man for woman.

Your God given desires are natural, healthy, and dare I say, holy. Like all bodily desires (hunger, thirst, sleep, activity, etc.) there is a certain context (time, place, and amount) for those desire to be filled.

Moving on from our desires, God created our bodies to function in these ways. Bodies of all different shapes and sizes, with many different functions and abilities. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were “naked and not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25) and they only covered their bodies after the fall, when they were ashamed of themselves. This is the current context we find ourselves in, in a world yet to be fully redeemed and made anew.

I get that covering is a part of the world we live in and that it’s appropriate. I’m not advocating for public nudity or openly visiting nude beaches. But we have to figure out a way to navigate conversations about sexuality and modesty without adding to the shame that we all already feel due to the sinful, broken world we already live in.

Problem #3: You’re never given any path for redemption.

This is one of the biggest problems in how we often teach sexuality to the next generation. So much focus is placed on being “pure” (see problem #4) that we never discuss a roadmap for those who have gone too far along the way. Our message is essentially as follows:

You slipped up and went too far in dating? Too bad!

In a church context where we talk about forgiveness, God’s love, and being made whole through the redemptive work of Christ…this is a pretty confusing message. Why is sexual purity treated like an unforgivable and unredeemable sin?

Problem #4: There is a wrong understanding of “pure.”

At the core of purity culture teachings is the idea that you can be “100% pure” for your future spouse.

Question: Is anything in life ever 100% pure?

From a Christian perspective, I’m only considered “pure” before God because of what Jesus has done and continues to do in me. I make mistakes in all areas of my life – I always have and I always will. But the blood of Jesus can handle my faults. I’m not pure or more valuable just because I waited until marriage to have sex.

We have to do a better job in teaching this to our kids.

How This Impacts Marriages

We often fail to get around to teaching healthy, balanced view on sexuality in church contexts. Individuals are left with a list of “do nots” but no direction for how things should be. For the young couple who saved themselves for their wedding night, we essentially tell them,

“You know how your whole life you heard that sex was bad and you shouldn’t do it? Remember how all that you heard was that your body was something to be covered up and hid and that your boyfriend/girlfriend shouldn’t want to look at it? Well now all that’s gone and everything is on the table and up for grabs! Good luck and have fun out there!”

When sex turns out to be way harder, more confusing, and less pleasurable than they ever imagined, they are left to pick up the pieces on their own. Thankfully a lot of great resources are out there to help navigate this terrain – I just wish we did more of this work on the front end. Here is how this can impact marriages:

• Having looked at pornography before marriage (“at least I wasn’t having sex”), they struggle to get genuinely turned on by their flesh and blood partner-turned-spouse. This applies to both genders.
• Frustration ensues because meeting one another’s needs takes way more effort and learning than they initially thought.
• Couples (women in particular) struggle to turn “on” the sexual side of themselves because they spent so many years keeping it turned “off.”
• Individuals may turn back to something like pornography because it is easier than putting in the effort to have sex with and please their spouse.
• They begin feeling isolated, alone, with no one to help them navigate these difficulties, because no one they know is ever talking about it – especially not in the Lord’s House!
• If one was not a virgin when first marrying, the other partner may struggle to see past this or might feel like they are compared to previous sexual partners.

These are just a few examples of how having sexuality taught to you in this way can later affect your sexual intimacy when you are married.

The big question is, how can we better approach this topic for the next generation?

How Can We Do Better?

While not exhaustive, I’ll present a few ideas to get us thinking.

One – Forgive those who presented sexuality to us in this way. It can be easy to carry around a grudge because you weren’t given the right tools. Truth be told, none of us are ever given or taught all the right things every single time. Plus, I promise that your parent/teacher/minister was doing the best they could and with good intentions. It’s time we learn to forgive them. Jesus was a forgiver of those who hurt him.

Two – Create more conversation and community around sexuality and sex education in our churches and homes. Have a regular class taught on this at your church – for teens and adults – that covers this topic with grace. Make talking about sex a “normal” part of your home life as your children grow. Encourage young couples to seek out premarital counseling. Provide trusted resources or books for couples to seek out answers. Encourage conversation and the asking of questions whenever this topic is on the table. Jesus always encouraged conversation and community when it came to the important topics of life.

Three – Bring back personal accountability. No one ever needs to feel like someone else’s sin is their fault when that’s not the case. We’ve overused passages that talk about “stumbling blocks” to the degree that we blame ourselves for everyone else’s mistakes. A boy who lusts after a girl is responsible for his own thoughts and mind, regardless of what she may or may not be wearing. Stop the blame game, and take responsibility for your own journey. Scripture teaches that we will all stand before God and give an account (Romans 14:12).

Four – As much as possible, avoid rigid / one-size-fits-all approaches & rules. I’ve been in ministry and I get it – you sometimes have to have some blanket approaches or people will abuse their freedoms. I can’t tell you what rules are right and wrong for you and yours – your church/home is in a radically different context than mine and made up of different people. I would encourage you to have those conversations with wisdom, to avoid any type of shaming language or behavior, and to have lots of conversations about why the rules are there. Furthermore, if someone were to show up in something deemed inappropriate, talk to them one on and one and figure out a solution together. Better yet, focus on the fact that the person is present and say nothing about what they’re wearing. Jesus met people where they were and took them from there.

Five – Recognize that a relationship with Jesus should drive a desire to be godly in all areas, not just sexuality. I do believe in having guidelines in place, and I do believe that what I wear around the opposite sex matters. It’s why I don’t go to Lowe’s without pants on. But we often get this one backwards, implicitly teaching that the more pure you are the closer you are to God, rather than teaching being in God’s family leads me to better decisions in my life. In scripture, this seems to be an all or nothing thing – you’re either in God’s family or not. You’re either covered by the blood of Christ or you’re not. This doesn’t change moment by moment just because I wore shorts that are too short.

I know this list is incomplete, but hopefully it creates some thought provoking conversation within your context for how we can do better.

A Resource + Roadmap for Overcoming Shame about Sexuality

I’ve recently come across a phenomenal resource for marriage and sexuality. Vanessa and Xander Martin run a podcast called Pillow Talks that I would highly recommend. I’ll probably share more about them in a future post. For now, I’ll share one of their podcast episodes and present their steps for overcoming any shame around sex, sexuality, or your body that I think can be really helpful if this a struggle for you.

First, here is a link to their podcast and podcast notes. I’d highly recommend a listen. You can also find their podcast on any platform you listen to.

Second, I want to make it clear that they are not presenting from a Christian perspective. They swear and they use explicit (but appropriate) language in discussing sexual topics. That being said, they present things from a really balanced viewpoint even when discussing their view on sexual purity culture.

Below are their steps to overcoming any baggage you may have from sexual purity culture. Like any resource, I may not agree with every statement they make. However, I believe they provide a pretty great roadmap for recovery and I’d encourage you to listen.

Step 1: Recognize that it’s not your fault

Step 2: Know that you’re not alone

Step 3: Identify the messages you received from Purity Culture

Step 4: Identify which beliefs are serving you and which are blocking you

Step 5: Identify the beliefs you WANT to have about your body and sex

Step 6: Remind yourself of your desired goals and beliefs

Step 7: Change the narrative around sex

Step 8: Share your story

If this looks intriguing to you, go check out their podcast.

Concluding Thoughts

Even with two entire articles, it feels like we’re only scratching the surface. I can say that I’ve met with so many individuals and couples who were struggling in their marriage because sexuality was taught through the lens of purity culture in their teenage years.

I’m well aware that I’m a male, who grew up in and still currently reside in the Bible Belt, and that I have room to grow in this subject area. I don’t have all the answers, but I know we need to be balanced and intentional with this sensitive topic. My wife and I are already discussing how to teach tough topics like sex and sexuality to our daughters in a God-honoring way.

It’s possible you have something you’ve experienced that has led to different conclusions; perhaps you may have a good idea about “rebuilding” this teaching; either way, I would LOVE for you to comment or reach out to me if that’s the case.

Thanks for reading! – AC

Bonus: For Further Reading

Sojo.net – Their generation was shamed by purity culture

Reckonsouth.com – Purity culture: how sex was taught to a generation of southerners

Rewirenewsgroup.com – How we teach purity culture isn’t the problem