Has Purity Culture Affected Your Marriage? Pt. 1

The topics I choose to write about on this blog are influenced by my own journey but also inspired by what others have experienced. One topic that comes up over and over again in both individual and couples therapy is the struggle to deconstruct a “purity culture” mindset about marriage, sex, and romance.

What Is Purity Culture Exactly?

It’s possible you’re reading this and have no idea what I mean when I say “purity culture.” For others, it might’ve brought back terrible, awkward memories from your youth group days.

I may have my history wrong here, but I believe that a certain book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, was crucial in the formation of many messages around sexual purity in the 90s and early 2000s. Though beyond the scope of this article today, I’ll give you a quick rundown: Joshua Harris was in his early 20s when he wrote this book about courtship and everything that he saw wrong with dating culture. He has since gone on to publicly apologize and retract many of the things he wrote in the book. Sadly, according to this Wikipedia page, his marriage has now ended and he no longer considers himself a Christian.

^{Kiss this book goodbye.}

Roughly defined (by me), Purity Culture is a term referring to teachings in conservative Christian circles/churches that sex is holy, precious, good, and experiences its greatest fulfillment and purpose within a marriage context. Youth Group teens are taught to save sex until marriage, to be selective and prudent in their dating choices, and to strive for sexual purity in all ways (don’t lust, don’t look at pornography, dress “modestly,” etc.).

You might be thinking, “those sound like great concepts to teach kids and teenagers.” And you’d be right. The problem is often the way in which these ideals are presented, distorted, and/or misunderstood. Today, we’ll look at some implicit messages that are often taught and received in these settings, discuss a personal experience, and then wrap up with a post next week on what we can do about it.

Implicit Messages of Purity Culture

“Sex is bad.” >>> I’ve never heard a preacher or youth minister ever actually say this from a stage, but when the only message you’ve ever heard is, “Don’t do it! You could get a disease! You could get pregnant!”, you eventually come to this conclusion on your own. We rarely present the idea of God creating sex to be good…really good.

“You’ll figure it all out on your wedding night and have the best sex of your life.” >>> This one is almost comical. Almost every Christian I’ve talked to who was a virgin when they got married were sexually disappointed on their wedding night because of this implicit teaching. Your first time together is bound to be awkward and nerve racking, and that’s ok.

Me when someone implies that the best sex you’ll ever have is on your wedding night.

“If you have sex before marriage you won’t be as special to your future husband/spouse.” >>> The idea is that good Christian boys are only going to want girls who are virgins, and vice versa. In one moment of misplaced passion, you could ruin your value forever.

“Girls are the ‘gatekeepers’ of sexual purity.” >>> When sexuality is taught this way, teenage and young adult girls are seen as the gatekeepers of sexual purity. It is up to them to say no, to enforce the boundaries, and to make sure their purity and the purity of their boyfriend is kept intact.

“Boys are unable to control their lustful thoughts.” >>> Boys have a “strong sex drive” and will lust at any glimpse of flesh, so we are taught. Listen, I was a teenage boy once and it’s true that controlling your thoughts is basically impossible. But if I’m being honest, I’m a 31 year old Christian man and controlling my thoughts is still a battle I have to fight all the time (don’t we all?). So this idea that boys are absolved of any responsibility for their own actions because “that’s just how they are” is not helpful.

“If boys are struggling with lustful thoughts, it’s the girls’ faults for not dressing modestly.” >>> I could go on a long rant about how the Bible doesn’t actually address modesty in this way, but that’s another post for another time. Should we aim to dress appropriately for the occasion, covering up a good portion of our bodies? Of course. Are there some things I would rather my girls not wear as they develop and grow? You bet. Can I draw hard lines in the sand for everyone else around me? Outside of nudity or something completely inappropriate, I cannot. And even what is “inappropriate” can be debated and can differ from place to place and culture to culture.

In “purity culture,” how we dress is often hyper focused on. If we’re honest, the truth can is much more nuanced than we make it seem. In a desire to stay pure, we get a little weird with rules, such as your shorts or skirts needing to be no longer than a credit card length above your knee (to go to church camp, for example). If you’re tall and lanky, with longer legs than all the other girls? Tough luck. I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the point: We need to teach more personal accountability to both boys and girls, while trying to find a good balance that fits our current context.

“Your virginity is your main source of value for your future spouse.” >>> This implied belief is really kind of creepy once you isolate it and shine a spotlight on it. If you’ve had any sexual experience before marriage, you’re ruined and your value is less than a girl who is a virgin. Essentially, purity culture commodifies virginity.

Ew.

There are probably more than what I’ve listed above, but I hope you get the point. Purity culture is full of good concepts and teachings gone wrong.

A Personal Experience

I realize that I’m a male, and therefore my experience is radically different from that of a teenage girl (bless you girls who heard these types of messages. Go talk to somebody about it.)

I also want to acknowledge that, for the most part, my faith development was always very grace-filled and balanced in all areas, including this. Additionally, I didn’t receive any shame-based messages about sexuality from my family. To be fair though, we hardly ever talked about sex. Ha! (if you’re reading this mom and dad, love you). If I ever heard shame based messages at church or home, I tuned them out or wasn’t paying attention.

The one experience I remember was at a church camp (which shall remain unnamed) when I was in high school. It was a class of all boys, and the teacher was a man I eventually became a peer with in ministry that I greatly respect. I would imagine if he could go back and re-teach this class, he would.

He did two things that day that I remember. First, he implied that if you have sex with someone who has had sex with someone else, you’ve essentially had sex that person AND all of their previous partners. He even had some chart to illustrate his point. At the time it made sense, but looking back I’m not sure I follow the logic.

The second thing he did was that he presented a 6-8 inch long piece of clear packing tape, and he encouraged every boy in the class to pass it around and stick it to their arm. As you know, by the time it got to even a few people, the tape had lost its stickiness and was filled with grime. This was to illustrate what happens when you have many sexual partners.

In other words, if you’d had any sexual experience that was over the line as a teenager, you were dirty and not useful anymore. Can you see how this might be the wrong way to teach sexual purity to teenagers and young adults?

We have to do better.

Looking back, there were undoubtedly some guys in that class who left feeling like they were ruined forever due to some mistakes they had made in their teen years.

Concluding Thoughts

As I wrote this article, it grew long enough that I decided to break it into two posts. Next week we’ll look at four problems with purity culture and discuss a roadmap for re-shaping how you think and feel about your own sexuality in light of purity culture.

Thanks for reading! – AC